Shrot story }{ The Beast and the girl

[Yua]

A large scaly beast reeked havoc in a town it recently demolished, Devouring the dead and the living, as nourishment. Ripping through rubble and rock to pick out the last of them. He soon found a small Infant. He decided against eating it. It was not worth eating, it wasn’t old enough to have any nourishment yet. He scooped the child up in what clothes it was wrapped in. Than carried it out of town with him.
The Child rarely cried, she was a happy child. And a quick learner. She soon learned to walk, and never complained when she fell and scraped her knees. She would always run about, yet she never left the beasts sight. For he watched over her, not seeming to are wither it used force to keep the child in line. It was his Future snack, he didn’t want it to get lost or killed.
She kept from wandering far, but she did greatly love the beast. Even when he ignored her simply being within a few feet filled her heart with joy. A very grateful child. Though soon she grew, not so much a toddler but not adolescents. During this time she wandered further away, but always came back. The beast watched her grow.
Every once in a while he dragged his tongue along her face. Tasting for tenderness and to see how much longer before she was ripe enough for him to eat. Though each time he did so she giggled, smiled happily. She didn’t know of her fate as a simple snack. She loved the beast as much as a daughter would love a parent. She thought she saw affection in his eyes, when it was merely hunger.
One day when he was testing her. She opened her arms wide and hugged the beasts slime muzzle. Her heart full of love for the creature. This confused him though, and touched him ever so slightly. He did not withdraw but nudge into her some. This filled her heart with even more love, and she soon hurried away further than she had before.
Everyday she left for hours at a time, brining back small flowers that she laid at his feet. Some times doing this twice of three times a day. On her way back one day, she saw smoke rising from the trees and made her way over. For the first time, she met hunters.
(To be Continued...)

[Lujayn]

I believe the word you're looking for is "wreaked", not reeked. "Reeked" means that the person smelled badly. You're also putting capitals in places that they don't need to be. Remember, only proper nouns (names of a person, city, etc) or words at the beginning of a sentence require capitals (so it's not needed on infant, for example).

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, you should be using "and then", not than- than is for comparisons (i.e. "he was greater than..."). In fact, the last two sentences should only be one. “He scooped the child up in what clothes it was wrapped in, and then carried it out of town with him. You've got an abundance of fragmented sentences that could be cleaned up by merely replacing periods with commas, semi-colons, etc. For example, "The child rarely cried, for she was a happy child and a quick learner; she soon learned to walk, and never complained when she fell and scraped her knees." Another example: "The child (refrain from using "it" as much as possible) was his future snack, and he did not want it to get lost or killed."

Proper placement of commas is needed, as well. Read your story out loud, and where you take natural pauses is where you should place a comma. Example, "Even when he ignored her, simply being within a few feet filled her heart with joy."

This has potential but would benefit from spending a little more time on it, and perhaps from a beta-reader as well- someone to check over spelling, grammar, etc.

[Yua]

I tend to mess up with Captials really I put them on important words to me, its weird I know. and he morely called her an it o-o oh well I'll fix it up some time or anouther

[Ceoltoir]

I have a problem with capitalizing 'I' to often since I always use the letter as the first person synonym of 'me.' I also put too many apostrophes on the letter 'S' just a small muscle memory habit that most writers suffer from. That's why writers always have editors to point out these mistakes because every writer, great and small, makes hundreds of grammar and spelling errors.

Additionally, thank you for sharing this with us on the forum Phoberia! It takes courage to put something you feel proud of out in front of everyone to see. So again, thank you!

[Yua]

I love you too ceol xD

[Lujayn]

Dec 23, 2010 20:06:42 GMT -5 Yua said:

and he morely called her an it o-o

He might, but since the story is being told via third person, and not this monster's point of view, then it's best to stick to using "it" as little as possible. Too many "its" floating around tends to be very confusing to readers (I would know, a few published authors have done this and I get totally lost). Just something to think of.