Help and constructive criticism

[thedookienut]

I was wondering if you could please read the first page of my novel I'm writing. I would like to know which bits to edit.

Romeo and Juliet. A play we’d studied many times, though I never considered it to happen to real people. It might have happened a really long time ago, but now? The way Romeo acts, the things he does for Juliet, it’s hard to believe anyone would do something like that, no matter how in love they were.

Quickly I slammed the book shut and shoved the play back into my bag. My final year of legal education was nearly over. After that is was just a matter of choosing to stay on or find another job. I know both my parents wanted me stay on at school for another two years, but I don’t think I could bear it. It was the thought of doing my exams again that put me off. If it was possible to get anything worse than that, I don’t want to meet it.

My parents stayed and went to university. Even my troublesome brother had. I was different, very different. That was something that scared me. It wasn’t the fact I was a sort of reject, the runt of the pack, just that I wasn’t like them at all.

This was the last half of the school year, six months until my exams would be starting; already my parents were telling me what to revise and when. It was scary. No, terrifying. Not to mention, the tension of finding a date for the prom and all the better girls were taken. Somehow I knew I probably wouldn’t go. Dancing and suits weren’t my thing. I had two left feet, or so to speak, and looked dreadful in a tuxedo.

Sighing, I hurried downstairs, making sure I had everything before I went. Out of everything possible in the world, and I mean everything, school had to be the worst. I’d have much rather watch some annoying children’s musical, like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, over and over again until I knew all the words off by heart than go threw with a day at school. I rushed out the door, careful not to wake my dad as I shut the large, wooden front door. Alas I was free, though the topic of school was still ahead of me.

Looking at my watch – 08:03 – I paced myself well enough to cycle to my ‘prison’ without breaking too much of a sweat. The journey itself wasn’t that bad, though there was normally somebody who nearly sent me to casualty single-handedly. Luckily I managed to escape every time. I knew I one day wasn’t going to be as lucky. 08:28. I had two minutes to rush through the corridors and get to my form room. Either that or get yet another late and end up having a pointless lecture on punctuality from both my Dad and the Head Teacher, maybe my Head of Year too. I do love Mondays…

It took me a while to come to terms with my situation, but I had done it with over a minute to spare.
“That has to be a new record!” A familiar voice laughed behind me, slapping one hand on my shoulder. Zac. His voice was recognisable anywhere. It was rough and yet unbelievably human. He didn’t look it though. Compared to me and most of the boys in the school, he was huge, great and giant. No wonder the girls avoided us. Other than looking like he could kill someone with one punch, he was generally a nice guy. Not like the other guys, they were jerks.



Please let me know what you think. I've wrote more down in a note pad but I just want to know what people think about the first page (on Microsoft Word) so I can edit it a bit before writing up the rest.

[Silvarn]

Firstly, I'd like to know how you got away with double-posting, but that's beside the point.

Hmm...*mulls*

I hate to disappoint, but I feel there just isn't enough script here for an authentic evaluation. But, I shall attempt to make due...

Well, your writing skills are good. You know your grammar and how to spell correctly, thank goodness. Ok, I did catch "threw", when it was supposed to be "through," but anyway...

We learn some key elements about your hero on your first page, which is quite a feat. Most first pages are just setting fluff and stuff. We learn (and correct me if I'm wrong) that he's lazy and a bit of a romantic. And he's an oddball and friends with a bigger oddball, pun fully intended.

But, as I stated earlier, there just isn't enough here to give good constructive criticism. We haven't learned what our hero looks like, where he lives, or even his name!

In short: A good start, but that's it. You need more!

Best of luck with your project! ;D

[HoudiniDerek]

Silvarn is right. Please do not double post. If you want to add a thought, go back to your original post and modify it using the modify button. Thanks. (Don't mini-mod, Silvarn. ).

You need to change some of the spelling as you spell Juliet wrong at least once. Some of your grammar makes your sentences very awkward too. Try reading it aloud and you will see what I mean.

What is your story about? Does it have a title? I agree with Silvarn that there is little here to critique. From what I have read, I can tell that I would not be interested in the rest of the story because it sounds like a story about a basic person living a basic life and not liking it.

Good luck.

[thedookienut]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to double post. I'll edit it.

Silvarn, thanks for reminding me about the 'threw' part, I was supposed to change that.
And thankyou HoudiniDerek for the Juliet too.

Silvarn, you were right about the fact he's a bit of a lazy boy.

Thanks both of you.

[HoudiniDerek]

Thank you for editing. Let us know as you continue to work on it and develop it.

[Silvarn]

Oh! I thought the "Julie" part was intentional...

And don't berate me about mini-modding, HD...*somebody* has to do it!

But I digress...sorry ;D

But yes, keep us updated. We're always willing to tear your dreams to shreds ... I mean, support every budding artist, in whatever medium, of course ;D

[HoudiniDerek]

Nobody HAS to do it, Silvarn.

Don't make me take away your stars.

[thedookienut]

HAHA!!

Thanks guys.

And I'll post when I write the rest up.

[gypsythemoonstruck]

I do like this beginning. It's simple and doesn't go into too much detail. However, there are a few grammatical errors...well one that seriously bothered me and a few spelling errors.

I know this seems like I'm acting like a jerk but this line frustrated me. I get what you were trying to say but without commas you can't really get the full effect.
I knew I, one day, wasn’t going to be as lucky.

Also, I would change the literature that the college student was reading. Even though it wouldn't make sense to the rest of the beginning. I stopped reading Romeo and Juliet in High school and it just doesn't make sense for me to read it in college, however; if your character is just reading it for the fun of it and likes being tortured by shakespear's plays. Or you could change it to high school which would make it even more nutsy.

As I've said, over all it's a great start. This sounds to me a lot like a rough draft...remember what your english professor would say: "REVISE REVISE REVISE! AND THEN FINALIZE FINALIZE FINALIZE!" (Or maybe that was just my psychotic professor.)

This is why it takes me soo long to write a decent story/novel because I critique myself just as hard as I just did you. Please don't hate me. I am just trying to give you some tips from writer to writer...

Keep up the good work

[thedookienut]

Thanks!|

[Omio]

You're failing to pause at parts so the flow goes on correctly later - it's a bit too runny, if you know what I mean (Not enough commas - Finally, ~~~~
And when you do pause, you make it a bit too long - you're trying to make the period into your semicolon and your dash.

Your idea is actually good, thus far, and I would LOVE to edit it after you've finished on Word.

Oh, and for speech, use italics (Ctrl+I) for emphasis. "That has to be a new record..." Notice the effect? Not sure if you intended this, but it's a good idea to use it when you want to help the clarity along.

Keep up the work - be persistant, and you'll get somewhere...